Don't Be Such a Dick Lock

Take a note, Assholes of the World:

Toothpicks...


and car door locks...


do NOT mix!


I mean, *really.* What part of my little silver Honda Civic LX being parked unobtrusively in the My Gym parking lot whilst I worked 11.5 hours of my life away (throwing BIRTHDAY PARTIES, no less) bothered you SO MUCH that you felt the need to stick an effing toothpick in the car door lock? Why? WHY??

I'm a good Samaritan. I pay my bills on time, talk to the homeless guy in front of Subway for the better part of an hour when no one else will even give him the time of day... I am a vegan for Christ's sake! I live and let live!

But you. You. You just couldn't leave my car alone. I mean you could've gone for a BMW or a Mercedes; shaken your triumphant (albeit assholey) fist at the Capitalist MAN that put our country into this current mess - and God knows that here in Encino - in a VALET LOT - you could've had your pick. But no. You had to take it out on my little four-dour, scratched, dirty eco-friendly compact car. Fuck you, sir.

To quote Kenny Powers in Eastbound and Down, you are a vagina with a mullet.