My Birthday Wish

In less than two weeks, I will be 25 years old. A quarter of my life hereby passed, provided all goes well and I make it to 100. Some of you have asked me what I want for my birthday this year. I'm touched by your love and generosity; that you would even think of me in times of such upheaval and economic turmoil is touching. But none of us are rich, so save your money.

That being said, there is one thing I would like for my birthday.

I want this man to be President.

In addition to being my date of birth, November 4th is Election Day. Though I know I'm largely preaching to the California choir, I want to take a minute to ask you all to bestow upon me the best birthday present you could possibly give -- your vote for Barack Obama.

Change. It's a word that both nominees have fought over to claim as their own. But John McCain is not change. He is at the center of the very same corrupt Washington world he portends to want to amend. Maybe back in 2000 he was a maverick -- not to me, but to some of you, perhaps. But now he is one of Them -- a puppet of the Republican attack machine which turns everything it touches to pure and unadulterated shit.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't want you to vote for Obama just because he's a Democrat. Hell, I don't even want you to vote for him because I want you to. If you care about your future... Your children's future... The environment, the economy, women's rights, health care, the working classes, and our place in this world (yes, we are a member of a global community -- or at least we used to be), then you should vote for Barack Obama. Even if you're "rich," and make over $250,000 a year or own a business and take issue with the idea of taxes. Remember that individually we are but small parts of a bigger picture -- I am just as responsible for contributing to this country (by way of taxes, volunteering, voting) as you are. If we only think of ourselves as being in a microcosm then we are doomed to failure.

Most of you have met my mom over the years. And even if you haven't, I've made no secret of the fact that she is far and away my best friend. As much as I love my friends, there are plenty of times when I choose to hang out with her instead of keeping a social schedule. What you may not know is that my mom is one of the millions of Americans without health insurance. The divorce hit her hard and cost her everything. Though she owns her one bedroom condo, the bottoming out of the housing market has essentially trapped her. She has no job (and at her age, very few prospects) and no means of income other than my dad's measly $1K/month alimony.

Health-wise, she has her good days and bad days -- but the last few years have been tough on her. She rarely sleeps more than four hours a night and eats even less. I'm guessing she weighs no more than 90lbs. For all we know, she could have cancer and be dying... But without health insurance she can't just go and visit a doctor -- much less receive any treatment. She hasn't had a routine mammogram or doctor's exam for at least three years. She complains that her teeth hurt all the time, and she is very often in pain in her hip. Yet in this incredibly rich country she cannot see a doctor. So instead we hope for the best, and I do everything I can to help her out and have happy days... But I have an incredibly overwhelming feeling that things are not okay with her, and my hands are tied to help. If John McCain is elected president, our hands will be further tied -- as even with the so-called "5K credit," no one will insure her; she's almost 60, with a history of lumps and bumps and other small maladies that will make her undesirable to insurance companies.
...If you don't believe me, here's some food for thought -- at 24 years old, I am uninsurable. Why? Because I was hospitalized once almost four years ago for 6 days. Even though I am an otherwise healthy young woman, insurance companies have labeled me a risk -- even Kaiser Permanente -- the paragon of cheap and affordable we'll-take-anyone health insurance, has denied me. If it weren't for my membership in the California Farm Bureau (that I joined *specifically* for the access to health insurance), I too would have no health coverage. Luckily, as a daughter of a naturally-born Canadian citizen, I am automatically one as well. So if I ever have a catastrophic illness or debilitating injury, I could fly up North and receive the proper care that I would otherwise be unable to afford. What an incredible commentary it is on our country that I would have to leave the place I've lived in my whole life and cross the border if it came down to saving my life from a disease I couldn't afford to treat. Unfortunately, my mom has no such luxury. Neither does Justin, neither will our children, and as far as I know, neither do you. I hope you don't get sick.

Life is ephemeral. We have a short time on this planet to make our mark and hopefully leave it a better place than how it was when we were born. I am worried for our future. I have actively considered putting off having children (or adopting) unless this country changes for the better. I will not bring children into a world where the top 2% of the richest people own everything while millions of others live in relative squalor. I will not bring children into a world where they cannot breathe the air and drink the water. I will not bring children into a world where I have to worry about everything they put into their mouths -- as thanks to Republican deregulation their bottle may have BPA, their toys may have lead paint, and their food may be tainted by E-Coli. I will not bring children into the world when I live in a country whose President believes that if we have to be in a 100 year war, then so be it. I will not.

But there is hope.

Like many of you, I have the audacity to hope. To dream. To commit myself to a cause of monumental importance. I will do anything and everything in my power to get Barack Obama elected the 44th President of the United States. I am committed to Change -- and so is he.

I am committed to educating everyone I meet.
I am committed to standing up for those who can't do it for themselves.
I am committed to doing my part; recycling & giving time and money to charity.
I am committed to good journalism and reporting what is true and important.
I am committed to leaving this world better than how I found it.
I am committed to my mother.

I am committed to hope.

So please, no presents this year. Take an hour off of work, stand in line, and let your voice be heard by voting. Do this one thing for me. For my mom, for our children and for our future. Do it for yourself... Because no one else will.

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

--K.

People...

...And you thought I forgot about you.

Silly blog, writing is for those with time! Alas, I have none of that. Even so, I've been inspired to blow the dust off from this little project and try again. And the source of that inspiration, dear friends, is a talented writer who goes by Pudd'nhead Nathan.

Much like your very own Princesse Désireuse, Nathan hates people. Not persons, but y'know, *people.* Groups of them. Crowds of oxygen-breathing, polluting, loud, ugly, sweaty, red-faced people.

I couldn't be more in line with his sentiments.

Though I've always maintained that I'm a person person, I am so NOT a people person. Do I want the best for humanity? Yes. Do I live out my life in a way that works towards a greater good? Yes; I recycle at home and for my workplace, I donate time and money to charity (when it permits), and if I could I would rescue every dog in 250 miles and put them in good homes or into a self-built rescue ranch full of love, sunshine, and grass to poop on. ...Ok, that last one may not be about humanity, but the point is my heart's in the right place.

But people. Ugh... PEOPLE! Call me an elitist, but I think my general distaste for my human compatriots comes out of my lack of patience for their collective stupidity. And they are -- by and large we Americans are a society of over-spending, overeating, selfish, highly uneducated fools. I feel like if I was a student in a 5th grade classroom with the assignment to answer the writing prompt "People are ______" I would fill in "just as they are on the 405 freeway at rush hour on a 100 degree day with your windows up and no air conditioning." Stifling. Obnoxious. Drones. A sea of stupid, fat sheep in 'roided out SUVs.

But to follow in the footsteps of dear Nathan (because that's another thing "people" inherently are -- followers), I've compiled a list of who I hate specifically.

1. Republicans. They pretty much encompass all I hate about humanity.
2. Religious zealots who piously tell me I'm going to hell for being an atheist whilst their preacher rapes 13 year old boys behind the altar.
3. Advertisers and mass marketers, who have perpetuated an unattainable (by most) image of beauty that has retarded ours and our daughters self esteem, body image, and emotional depth.
4. Cops who like to write me tickets for things like turning right into shopping plazas between the hours of 3-5pm, just to fill their quotas.
5. Students who open their big mouths in class over and over again, despite being totally empty-headed.
6. Students who NEVER open their mouth, or -worse- are called upon, don't know WHAT the hell to say, and inspire the teacher to give a pop-quiz to the whole class.
7. People who talk just to hear themselves talk.
8. Illiterate folk. Aka people who (despite having received the same education as I have) still can't read or write well. Or who think I'm some sort of scholarly geek cause I know "big" words like "superfluous." Or "cacophony."
9. Animal abusers. This is right up there with Republicans, in my book. I'd like to tie them up with choke chains and put them in the heat and cold alone for 24 hours a day and see how well they do.
10. Misplaced elitists who act like because my peers are young/poor, they're automatically smarter or higher up on the class ladder. Most assuredly, they are not.
11. Any and everyone who doesn't care enough about the future of this planet to do even the most simple things like recycle or replace an old lightbulb.
12. Wal-Mart.
13. People who don't say thank you after you do something nice -- or even something simple, like holding open a door for them.
14. Representatives from credit card companies who prey upon young, mathematically challenged college students who are poor and thrilled to be "pre-approved!" for anything.
15. Slow drivers in the fast lane. Also drivers who go the *exact* speed limit in the fast lane.
16. Bureaucrats -- at schools, in the government, in health care, everywhere. They're like an endless supply of double-sided red tape dispensers.
17. People waiting in line. If there's space in front of you -- whether you're in you car, holding the handle of a shopping cart or are unencumbered, SCOOCH THE DAMN LINE UP.
18. Irresponsible members of the media. Note I didn't say "journalists," because in order to qualify as a journalist, you're supposed to uphold your integrity, have a sense of ethics, and always be in search of the truth -- bias be damned.
19. Men who take advantage of women emotionally, sexually, and financially... And women who allow or encourage it.
20. People who are easily "offended." I don't think I have ever used the term in relation to myself... I just don't get how people find that certain things occurring in every day life somehow "offend" their sensibilities (assuming they have any to begin with).
    
21. Sarah Palin.

Ok, now for something ridiculously fun to lighten the mood...

Dear Shirtless Dog Park Man...

I'm sorry. I really hate to be the one to have to break it you. But...

*Dog Parks*










...plus...

*Fit-like-soft-serve shirtless man*

DO *NOT* MIX!!!!!!!

I mean really, dude. I know that you likely used to weigh over 300lbs and so you're really thrilled that you've lost the weight and all. Good for you! The fact that you hit the gym six days a week and have some muscles you'd like to show off (in spite of your still-slightly-soft center) is great. Kudos for you for working so hard. But honestly Keane -- can I call you Keane? -- do you hafta do it at the DOG PARK??

There are women! Children!! DOGS!!! You're just asking for Judo the Jindo to think you're a standing piece of turkey jerky. Or a huge snausage. Either way, it's bad news for you, buddy.

Please don't get me wrong; I'm sure you're a nice guy. After all, you took it upon yourself to schlep your dog to the dog park on a sunny day when you could be doing other things. Clearly, you are mensch. I send many a mazel your way, Keane.

Now put your damn shirt on.

That's all I ask.

Sincerely,
An Advocate of Appropriate Apparel

Boys Will Be Boys

Alright boys, it's time to make a decision. And it's a toughie.

Do you want me...
Or the Xbox...


I know, I know. It's like asking Britney Spears to make the ultimate choice between frappuccinos and sugar-free Red Bulls. Impossible. Unthinkable. Inhumane.

Luckily, underneath my icy blue-eyed and pale skinned exterior, I do have a heart.
And so I shall happily help you with what may ultimately be the hardest decision of your young 20-something life.

VOILA! A handy dandy comparison list of Pros, with the presupposition that you will indeed choose the Xbox over having a girlfriend.


Reasons to pick the Xbox!

1. Bill Gates likes Xbox, and is a very successful man (or so I'm told).
2. It's cheaper and more convenient than finding something new and competitive to do every day (e.g. paintballing, pillowfighting, ATVing, mattress surfing. ...Ok mattress surfing may be cheaper but having to haul it out to yer pickup truck or Chevy Blazer ain't convenient).
3. You can do it in your underwear, with a beer in one hand and the controller in the other.
   
4. It can't leave you, talk back to you, or ask you to take out the garbage.
5. Vladamir Putin fully endorses Call of Duty 4.
   

Reasons to pick having a girlfriend!

1. Girlfriends will heal your paintball wounds, help pick the feathers out of your shoes when you go pillowfighting, and will drive you to the ER after mattress surfing.
2. Your Xbox will cheat on you with anyone who shows interest. Your girlfriend won't.
3. Good girlfriends will cook for you, while your Xbox will let you starve or subsist on cold pizza.
4. Xbox game points are not redeemable for sexual favors. Points with girlfriend are.
5. Would you rather have to fight aliens or fight off chicks? Yup, that's what I thought.

In conclusion, I suggest you pick me. Because I'm awesome. And flexible.

The Knot that binds. Or makes you crazy.

Let it be said: The Knot makes me crazy.

Flowers! Cake! Photographer! Chocolate-Hazelnut-Biscotti-Vanilla Ice Sculpture! Of a swan!

Honestly, where do people get the money for a wedding? Does every bride's family have $40,000 to throw away on prosciutto-wrapped asparagus appetizers and a harpist? If so, they should be shot. Or at the very least, chastised for not giving that money to charity or using it constructively somehow.

When did weddings become less about the joining of two lives into one and more about how many acrobats one would need to aptly make the shape of the bride and groom's monogrammed initials?

I suppose it doesn't help that I live in Los Angeles, where the "average" wedding entails a couture gown and an ocean view. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm slightly jealous. Ok, more than slightly. I have an appreciation for the finer things in life; I know my 2-ply cashmere from my single ply, what order to use my silverware in, the virtues of used-brick and ivy, and that a trip to the Kentucky Derby requires a big, expensive, well-made hat.

Alas, the silver spoon in my mouth is actually made of stainless steel. And we got it at Pic-and-Save -- oh wait, Big Lots. Aaah, to grow up in Van Nuys. As such, I have to come to terms with the fact that if I am to have a wedding at all, it will have to be of the K-Mart variety.

Ahh, but wait! What about parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other generous contributors? Well, here's how our familial wealth (or lack thereof) breaks down:

• Mom = makes $12,000 a year in alimony. Uses credit cards to support herself.
• Dad = makes a lot more, but is a douchebag who loves money more than anything.
• Grandparents = people whom I have no real relationship with, on either side.
• Aunts/Uncles = I only have two uncles, and I never see either of them.

And my future husband's family?

• His mom = is living happily and simply on a little animal farm.
• His dad = thrice divorced, took in his own father after his wife passed away last year.
• His grandparents = retired, living simply month-to-month.
  
• His extended family = live scattered around the country.
  

As for me... I'm graduating from University in the fall after 7 long years of simultaneously working and going to school full-time. In the meantime, I work for $12 an hour at a physically and emotionally demanding job that has nothing to do with my career path, which will hopefully be radio/TV related. I owe $5,000 on credit cards and am eligible for food stamps.

As for him... He pays most of the household bills because I'm not in a position to. As such, even though he has a great job as a television producer, he's kind of sucked dry. To boot, we have two lovely but pain-in-the-ass dogs who cost us an arm and a leg in ongoing vet bills. (If they're not pooping in the house and requiring an antibiotic, they're going crazy with separation anxiety and biting each other in the face. But anyway...)

We have no money. I have no time to be a DIY'r, and we're attending our friends' beach side violin-infused ceremonies at a rate of three times a year.

I think I may be going mad.