Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Conversations with the Fiancé


In this edition, the fiancé and I are driving down Sunset Blvd, when we happen to perchance upon a billboard for YMI Jeans, featuring none other than Alexis Dziena... Aka Lolita in the Bill Murray film Broken Flowers. (Yes, I kid you not - her name was *actually* Lolita in the movie.)

The following conversation takes place between 4:45 and 4:46pm, while we wait for the light to turn green.

J: Hey, it's that chick from Broken Flowers.
Me: Ohhh yeah, huh.
J: The naked chick.
Me: Yup.
J: ...She had some great boobs.
Me: Yeah... I think mine are better.
(pause)
(pause while the pause gets knocked up)
(super pregnant pause)
(pause gives birth to baby pause)
(baby pause turns out to be octuplet pauses)
J: Uhm, sure. (optimistically) Ok!


...
I'm sorry... what?
Even if he didn't agree with me, isn't it written somewhere in the preface of the Fiancé Code that if your Bride-to-Be dives into a bucket of crazy sauce and comes back making comments about her fabulous figure, that you're supposed to agree EMPHATICALLY??

Not only that, but when it comes to physical appearance I'm almost never the one to toot my own horn. Growing up in LA - the wellspring of all that is Gorgeous and Thin - I'm actually quite critical when it comes to evaluating my own aesthetics. So for me to make that statement was actually quite bold. And beautiful. Like my favorite soap.

Besides all that, I actually do have fantastic boobies!*
*thanks to a fantastic investment I made 5 years ago

So there. Take that, naked chick from Broken Flowers. You may be a young, rich, famous, hot, long-legged model/actress, but I have boobies. And a fiancé who thinks you're hotter than me agrees that my boobs are better than your boobs. (We'll work on his enthusiasm for them.)

Signed,
Brave Little Toaster
WHO HAS AMAZING BOOBIES

Monday, February 16, 2009

You had me at "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."


Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?



I'll ask you to reserve judgment until you reach the end of this list.



Highlights from the worst/best analogies of high school students:

1. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
2. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
3. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
4. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
5. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
6. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
7. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
8. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
9. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
10. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

Who needs veneers when you've got THESE?


(via Jackie)

All I can think of is THE underrated movie of 2007, Teeth.

If, like so many other deprived Americans, you have yet to see Teeth, keep cool my babies: I've got you covered.



Clip via Rotten Tomatoes

Rated "R," so can't embed - click above and enter your birthday. It's worth it.

Suddenly the picture of the squid-not-octopus-dentata creature makes sense.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Can't... Stop... Laughing.

Meet Evan, my super-cool friend Allison's boyfriend.



. . . .

. . .

. .

Meet Allison's cats - aka Nice Cat and Not Nice Cat.






Now see what happens when Evan and Allison's less-than-social cat get together to make a special video Valentine's greeting.


. . . .

. . .

. .


Classic.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Look Ma, I have a penis!


Ding Dong! The Xbox is dead! The XBox is dead! The Xbox is dead!


The boy refuses to acknowledge that he's getting a RROD since technically it's only a quarter RROD. Some E-74 error. For his sake, I hope he figures out how to fix it in an easy and inexpensive manner.... But I won't necessarily complain if it isn't done in a *timely* one.

In other news, my friend Bernadette had a dream last night, and it was a big one.



Behold, our conversation while dining at Garden Wok

Bernie: So there I was in my dream... making out with this guy and we were getting to the point where were obviously going to have sex. At first he hesitated, but I told him I wasn't a virgin and it was ok. So he put his hands on me... And suddenly recoiled back.
"What is it?" I asked.
"THAT'S JUST WRONG!"
And he kept yelling about going to hell and stuff... So I looked down... and there it was. I mean I was a girl, but I had a penis. A PENIS! I freaked out and went to tell my mom. "Mom," I said, "I have both parts!"
"Ohhh yeah. When you were born we weren't sure how you would turn out, so we decided to wait to have the surgery until after you decided which way you were going to end up."
"So why didn't you have the surgery?"
"I guess we forgot."
. . .insert maniacal yanking gesture. . .
"HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!"

Thanks Bernie, for making my brown rice and egg roll evening just a tad more interesting.

Best Wishes!

I recently submitted to be an official advice guru for a national magazine aimed at young people.

Feeling emboldened by my new-found inner Miss Cleo, I decided to leave a comment for the infamous Octuplets Mom, Nadya Suleman.



Though I did offer my criticisms, I tried to keep it constructive. I'd offer up the text, but in my infinite genius I accidentally copied over the copy/paste with something extraneous. (OYE!)

In a nutshell, I tried to keep it positive for two reasons: one, you catch more flies with honey, and two - those kids need all the well-wishing they can get. I mean seriously. Can you even imagine what those 14 kids are up against? If we don't wish their crazy mom the best, then there's little hope for the poor kids, who will undoubtedly pay for her poor decision making skills.

So by all means, wish Nadya Suleman well. Send good vibes her way. If she succeeds, then those kids succeed, which means we all succeed. Yes.

Friday, October 24, 2008

My Birthday Wish

In less than two weeks, I will be 25 years old. A quarter of my life hereby passed, provided all goes well and I make it to 100. Some of you have asked me what I want for my birthday this year. I'm touched by your love and generosity; that you would even think of me in times of such upheaval and economic turmoil is touching. But none of us are rich, so save your money.

That being said, there is one thing I would like for my birthday.


I want this man to be President.

In addition to being my date of birth, November 4th is Election Day. Though I know I'm largely preaching to the California choir, I want to take a minute to ask you all to bestow upon me the best birthday present you could possibly give -- your vote for Barack Obama.



Change. It's a word that both nominees have fought over to claim as their own. But John McCain is not change. He is at the center of the very same corrupt Washington world he portends to want to amend. Maybe back in 2000 he was a maverick -- not to me, but to some of you, perhaps. But now he is one of Them -- a puppet of the Republican attack machine which turns everything it touches to pure and unadulterated shit.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't want you to vote for Obama just because he's a Democrat. Hell, I don't even want you to vote for him because I want you to. If you care about your future... Your children's future... The environment, the economy, women's rights, health care, the working classes, and our place in this world (yes, we are a member of a global community -- or at least we used to be), then you should vote for Barack Obama. Even if you're "rich," and make over $250,000 a year or own a business and take issue with the idea of taxes. Remember that individually we are but small parts of a bigger picture -- I am just as responsible for contributing to this country (by way of taxes, volunteering, voting) as you are. If we only think of ourselves as being in a microcosm then we are doomed to failure.



Most of you have met my mom over the years. And even if you haven't, I've made no secret of the fact that she is far and away my best friend. As much as I love my friends, there are plenty of times when I choose to hang out with her instead of keeping a social schedule. What you may not know is that my mom is one of the millions of Americans without health insurance. The divorce hit her hard and cost her everything. Though she owns her one bedroom condo, the bottoming out of the housing market has essentially trapped her. She has no job (and at her age, very few prospects) and no means of income other than my dad's measly $1K/month alimony.

Health-wise, she has her good days and bad days -- but the last few years have been tough on her. She rarely sleeps more than four hours a night and eats even less. I'm guessing she weighs no more than 90lbs. For all we know, she could have cancer and be dying... But without health insurance she can't just go and visit a doctor -- much less receive any treatment. She hasn't had a routine mammogram or doctor's exam for at least three years. She complains that her teeth hurt all the time, and she is very often in pain in her hip. Yet in this incredibly rich country she cannot see a doctor. So instead we hope for the best, and I do everything I can to help her out and have happy days... But I have an incredibly overwhelming feeling that things are not okay with her, and my hands are tied to help. If John McCain is elected president, our hands will be further tied -- as even with the so-called "5K credit," no one will insure her; she's almost 60, with a history of lumps and bumps and other small maladies that will make her undesirable to insurance companies.
...If you don't believe me, here's some food for thought -- at 24 years old, I am uninsurable. Why? Because I was hospitalized once almost four years ago for 6 days. Even though I am an otherwise healthy young woman, insurance companies have labeled me a risk -- even Kaiser Permanente -- the paragon of cheap and affordable we'll-take-anyone health insurance, has denied me. If it weren't for my membership in the California Farm Bureau (that I joined *specifically* for the access to health insurance), I too would have no health coverage. Luckily, as a daughter of a naturally-born Canadian citizen, I am automatically one as well. So if I ever have a catastrophic illness or debilitating injury, I could fly up North and receive the proper care that I would otherwise be unable to afford. What an incredible commentary it is on our country that I would have to leave the place I've lived in my whole life and cross the border if it came down to saving my life from a disease I couldn't afford to treat. Unfortunately, my mom has no such luxury. Neither does Justin, neither will our children, and as far as I know, neither do you. I hope you don't get sick.



Life is ephemeral. We have a short time on this planet to make our mark and hopefully leave it a better place than how it was when we were born. I am worried for our future. I have actively considered putting off having children (or adopting) unless this country changes for the better. I will not bring children into a world where the top 2% of the richest people own everything while millions of others live in relative squalor. I will not bring children into a world where they cannot breathe the air and drink the water. I will not bring children into a world where I have to worry about everything they put into their mouths -- as thanks to Republican deregulation their bottle may have BPA, their toys may have lead paint, and their food may be tainted by E-Coli. I will not bring children into the world when I live in a country whose President believes that if we have to be in a 100 year war, then so be it. I will not.


But there is hope.

Like many of you, I have the audacity to hope. To dream. To commit myself to a cause of monumental importance. I will do anything and everything in my power to get Barack Obama elected the 44th President of the United States. I am committed to Change -- and so is he.

I am committed to educating everyone I meet.
I am committed to standing up for those who can't do it for themselves.
I am committed to doing my part; recycling & giving time and money to charity.
I am committed to good journalism and reporting what is true and important.
I am committed to leaving this world better than how I found it.
I am committed to my mother.



I am committed to hope.

So please, no presents this year. Take an hour off of work, stand in line, and let your voice be heard by voting. Do this one thing for me. For my mom, for our children and for our future. Do it for yourself... Because no one else will.

Happy Birthday to me, indeed.

--K.

 
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