The Good Wife

Guess who's now a married woman...?

If you pointed a finger at the screen and said "why YOU, she who goes by Brave Little Toaster!" then you win a prize!

Indeed, I am now a Missus. Replete with "Mrs" responsibilities, or as Housekeeping Monthly might call them, "wifely duties." I am a committed, married woman, dedicated to bettering myself, continually strengthening our bond, and evolving our coupling into an eventual family. Likewise, I expect my new husband to return the favor. He is just as much my partner, friend, and ally as I am to him. And in our almost five years together, we've always held each other up in equal parts - I make him laugh, he makes me laugh, I make him mad, he makes me cry; it's really all a balancing act, for better or worse (and really, mostly for the better). Which is as it should be.

That is, unless you ask Candace Cameron Buré...

Yup, the eldest Tanner daughter eschews feminism in all of it's subversive forms - especially in the context of marriage. Rather, the uber-Christian Full House alum says she has but a sole purpose in life. And - lest you get ahead of yourself - that sole purpose isn't 'to help people with AIDS,' 'to help small children and animals,' or 'lobby for universal health coverage.' No. DJ Tanner's raison d'être - nay - THE REASON SHE WAS PUT ON THIS PLANET is so she can be of assistance to her husband, Valeri. Or, as she puts it, "...to be his help meet."

His help meet. Sounds strangely like help meat, does it not?

Holy spam! In one fell swoop, she and her fundamentalist side dish Debi Pearl manage to set women back 50-100 years.

Honestly, I pity Candace's poor daughter, Natasha... Who is likely to grow up never realizing her full potential, and who will always be dependent on some man to lead her and validate her. As a child, she's already being robbed of a happy and fulfilling future as a strong, independent woman. How sad.

Or perhaps - as Mrs. Buré suggests - I've just been brainwashed by the liberal, feminazi media.

Oh well. Time to go don my apron and dust in high heels, all while ensuring I don't whistle while I work so loudly as to disturb my Husband's tivo'd episode of PTI...

The Knot that binds. Or makes you crazy.

Let it be said: The Knot makes me crazy.

Flowers! Cake! Photographer! Chocolate-Hazelnut-Biscotti-Vanilla Ice Sculpture! Of a swan!

Honestly, where do people get the money for a wedding? Does every bride's family have $40,000 to throw away on prosciutto-wrapped asparagus appetizers and a harpist? If so, they should be shot. Or at the very least, chastised for not giving that money to charity or using it constructively somehow.

When did weddings become less about the joining of two lives into one and more about how many acrobats one would need to aptly make the shape of the bride and groom's monogrammed initials?

I suppose it doesn't help that I live in Los Angeles, where the "average" wedding entails a couture gown and an ocean view. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm slightly jealous. Ok, more than slightly. I have an appreciation for the finer things in life; I know my 2-ply cashmere from my single ply, what order to use my silverware in, the virtues of used-brick and ivy, and that a trip to the Kentucky Derby requires a big, expensive, well-made hat.

Alas, the silver spoon in my mouth is actually made of stainless steel. And we got it at Pic-and-Save -- oh wait, Big Lots. Aaah, to grow up in Van Nuys. As such, I have to come to terms with the fact that if I am to have a wedding at all, it will have to be of the K-Mart variety.

Ahh, but wait! What about parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other generous contributors? Well, here's how our familial wealth (or lack thereof) breaks down:

• Mom = makes $12,000 a year in alimony. Uses credit cards to support herself.
• Dad = makes a lot more, but is a douchebag who loves money more than anything.
• Grandparents = people whom I have no real relationship with, on either side.
• Aunts/Uncles = I only have two uncles, and I never see either of them.

And my future husband's family?

• His mom = is living happily and simply on a little animal farm.
• His dad = thrice divorced, took in his own father after his wife passed away last year.
• His grandparents = retired, living simply month-to-month.
  
• His extended family = live scattered around the country.
  

As for me... I'm graduating from University in the fall after 7 long years of simultaneously working and going to school full-time. In the meantime, I work for $12 an hour at a physically and emotionally demanding job that has nothing to do with my career path, which will hopefully be radio/TV related. I owe $5,000 on credit cards and am eligible for food stamps.

As for him... He pays most of the household bills because I'm not in a position to. As such, even though he has a great job as a television producer, he's kind of sucked dry. To boot, we have two lovely but pain-in-the-ass dogs who cost us an arm and a leg in ongoing vet bills. (If they're not pooping in the house and requiring an antibiotic, they're going crazy with separation anxiety and biting each other in the face. But anyway...)

We have no money. I have no time to be a DIY'r, and we're attending our friends' beach side violin-infused ceremonies at a rate of three times a year.

I think I may be going mad.