Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying... is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true.
Harry: No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.
He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. Cause you're the only person I knew in New York.
First, though definitely not foremost, how is it possible that I never knew about this blog written by someone who vaguely sounds like me, dated someone named Justin, and calls herself Krissy In the City?
Her story reminds me very much of one from my own from the past, only her Justin was my Elliot*, (or so we will call him for the sake of this blog). Elliot and I were as close as could be - he was the Dawson to my Joey, the Joey to my Rachel, and the Michael to my Jules in My Best Friend's Wedding.
(small aside: how much did I NERD OUT seeking out these ridiculous-yet-awesome fangirl clip videos on YouTube?)
Running theme: it was never meant to be, at least in the romantic sense. We did try dating once - VERY briefly - and we quickly realized we weren't meant to be a couple. And that was okay with me. More than okay, if I'm being totally honest. I liked having a built-in male BFF whom I could rely on for counsel, advice, support, and good old-fashioned ego stroking. And he was straight! - a rarity among my group of male friends. Really, it was perfect... Or so I thought.
As you probably guessed, our friendship ended up not working out, and it withered similarly to how Krissy and Justin's relationship ended - only with Elliot there was 30% less drama and about 60% more passive aggressiveness. To this day, I still mourn the loss. I probably always will.
But a conversation at work (which carried over into a conversation at home) earlier today got me thinking: did it not work out because (as Harry hypothesized in When Harry Met Sally) men and women simply can't be friends? It's a subject brought up at parties and over dinner dates - and most often I find that people are clearly on one side of the fence or the other. Well, I have one leg on both sides. Behold, my objective and subjective answers to the age old question: CAN MEN AND WOMEN REALLY BE FRIENDS, WITHOUT SEX GETTING IN THE WAY?
OBJECTIVELY SPEAKING: Of course. Yes, women are naturally better at this than men, as we're biologically more capable of separating sex from the various other aspects of our lives. We just don't think of sex every 5 seconds, like men do. But men can still maintain a platonic relationship with another woman (not their girlfriend or spouse) without necessarily wanting to sleep with them - *even* if they're attractive. My husband is a very good example of a man with this sort of disposition and character; the "best man" at our wedding was actually a female friend of his -- Allison. And as attractive as they both are individually, there has never been an underlying sexual chemistry of any kind, whatsoever.
SUBJECTIVELY SPEAKING: ...Maybe not. Though I think it's *entirely* possible in theory and - sometimes - in practice to be friends without yearning for additional "benefits," I've found that in my personal experience, this has simply not been the case. Almost without exception, every single heterosexual male friend I've ever had has at one point or another expressed an interest in getting in my knickers. Some have been bolder than others, but by and large, this has been my legacy. And before we get any big ideas here, I want to make it clear to everyone that I *DON'T* believe this has been the case because I have supermodel-good-looks or a kiss-of-the-spiderwoman like gravitational pull. On the contrary!
To hear a good friend of mine tell it (and yes, he's male), "it's because you're a cool person AND you're hot. If you were just cool, but unattractive, it could work out as totally platonic friendship. Or if you were gratuitously hot, but not very cool, there would be that sexual attraction but no friendship. But when you have the perfect storm of someone getting to know you - realizing you're cool and everything - AND you're hot. Then YEAH, THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TO JUMP YOU."
When pressed about how a person's marital (or relationship) status effects this equation, he basically said it matters not. So even if you're unavailable - as long as you're cool and attractive - your friend will fantasize about you with no clothes on. Yep. Nekkid.
For what it's worth, the Husband refutes this last theory totally, and I think his relationship with Allison (and other good female friends) are good arguments for the other side.
What's your feeling - can we all be friends?
A penny for your thoughts...
1 comments:
I think men and women are completely capable of being friends - sometimes they just have to have self-control. In cases of being cool AND attractive, there is a difference between feeling that attraction, and acting on it. If a man and woman are attracted, but unavailable, or just don't want to go there for whatever reason, the attraction can (and probably will) fade and it can turn into friendship - that's where the cool part comes in handy. This is hard for most people though, as it requires some initial self control. That's why exes have trouble being friends in my opinion, it's hard to get past that stage of "oh, I think you're hot, and I've never held back before so why should I NOW?" and then you have ex sex and ruin things. My friend Sean and I have been friends since we were 16 - when we first met, I had a crush on him, he had a crush on me, it went back and forth and never worked out ... and we eventually became such good friends that anything more would have been weird! We're still friends to this day, and I've gotten to know his wife, and it's one of the best friendships I've ever had.
The other side of this coin is - once you've been put in the "friend box", can you ever escape?? My BF Sam thinks the friend box is a permanent state, because he fails to remember that we were once just friends ... heh heh heh
~Marcelle~
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